Perfect Day for a Girl and a Boy

Perfect Day for a Girl 

8:30 Wake up in the morning to kisses & hugs
8.45 Light exercise
9:15 Take light Breakfast 

11:00 Take a sunbath
12:00 Lunch with best friend at a restaurant
1:30 Go for shopping
2.30 Run for boyfriend / husband
3:30 Spending time for facial, massage, nap
7:30 Candlelight dinner with boyfriend / husband

10:30 Make love
11:30 In deep sleep holding the pillow in her arms

Perfect Day for a Boy

6:45 wake up
7:00 Take a shower and massage
7:15 First Blowjob of the day
7:30 Reading newspaper, USA Today sports section
8:15 Ride into Limo
8:20 Head to Augusta National Golf Club
9:45 Half way to 18 holes in Augusta National Golf Club
11:30 Have Lunch [2 dozen oysters and 3 Heineken]
1.00 Second Blowjob of the day
1:15 Second nine holes in Augusta National Golf Club
2:10 Limo to Augusta Airport
3:15 At Nassau, Bahamas, fishing with all lady crew (topless). 

6:00 Third Blowjob of the day
6:45 Lear Jet return flight, enjoy a full body massage in transit
7:30 Have a shower

8.15 Watching CNN live coverage of resignation of Bill Clinton, Hillary and Al Gore in the same scandal [with graphical representation]
8.45 Have dinner at the Ritz Carlton, Oysters Casino, 20 oz Filet Mignon (very rare), Gorgonzola salad, Fettucini Alfredo, Chateau Lafite Rothschild 1963 (magnum) brutal cream, Louis XII Cognac, Cohiba Lancero
10:30 Have Sex with 3 stunning girl from different countries
11:45 Whirlpool, steam bath and body massage by women (topless) and then final Blowjob and Sleep!!!!!!!!!!

Olympic Gold Medalist Husband

Three women were sitting and talking about their husbands and sex lives.

1^st Woman, "My husband is like as a champion golfer. He has been putting perfect shot for last ten years!!!"

2^nd Woman, "My husband is like a winner of the Indy 500. It feels like to enjoy several thousands exiting lap, every time we have sex!!!"

Then first two women asked the third woman about her experience with the husband.

She replied, "My man is like an Olympic gold-medalist in 100M"

Other two women wondered, "How so???"

3^rd Woman, "Every time we get into bed it takes only 40 seconds to finish it."!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I didn't Wear any Pants Under My Skirt

A girl goes out to play with friends only wearing a skirt. In the playground she meets a boy and the boy asked her to climb a tree.

Then the girl climbs up the tree and the boy just stands there looking up to the girl’s pant under the skirt.

After returning home she tells her mum about it.

Mum, "Oh my stupid little girl it’s nothing. He just stood there and watched your pants."

The next day same thing happened again and she got same answer from her mum.

But this time the girl replied to her mum, “You might feel proud for me mum because I tricked him today.”

Mum, “But how?”

Girl, “Today I didn't wear any pants under my skirt"!!!!!!!!!!!

Newly Married Couple Crazy Talk

Newly married couple in honeymoon and ready to make love for the first time-

Wife, “I have something to tell u before sex”

Husband, “Tell me honey, we're married now and you can share anything with me

Wife, “I am sorry but I have got flat chest”

Husband, “No way, I can’t believe it.”

And then the wife proved it by taking off her shirt.

Husband, “My goodness… I have never seen such smaller boobs, but I have something to say you too.”

Wife, “You can share it with me without any hesitation.’

Husband, “Well…I’m weighed like a baby".

Wife, “This is unbelievable, prove it.”

Then husband take off his pant

Wife, “Holly shit!!! I thought you said you were weighed like a baby???

Husband, “I am 7lbs 6ounces!!!!!!!!!

Man Have a Vagina for a Day

1. Immediately go for shopping to buy cucumbers and zucchini

2. For around 2 hours squatting on a hand mirror

3. Let's see if finally they could do the splits

4. Try to launch a ping-pong ball of 20 feet away, is it really possible?

5. Cross the legs without reshaping their crotch

6. Gather in a bar in less than 10 minutes before closing

7. Enjoy multiple orgasms non stop and still be ready for more

8. Go to a gynecologist for a pelvic test and ask to film it to see later

9. Pray to have breasts too

10. And finally find that damned G-spot

Recognize a Nurse or Teacher or Air Hostess

How to recognize whether you are having sex with a nurse, teacher or air hostess?

Nurse always says, “Hold it tight and straight, it will not hurt.”

Teacher says, “Do this again and again until we get it fixed.”

And air hostess says, “Put it over your mouth and smell normally!!!!!!”

Public Phone vs. Call Centre

A couple is getting trouble with their sex life as their child becoming an adult. So they decide to talk in code language to mean sex time and setup the word ‘phone call’ as opposite to ‘sex’.

Man shouting to his wife, “Hey, I want a phone call immediately.”

Wife, “Sorry, network is out of reach.”

Man, “Ok then I will go to public phone!!!”

Wife, “Then I will start a call centre in the house!!!”

Jokes-Man and Sexy Desert Travel

A man was traveling through a desert and after spending some days in the desert he felt to have sex. But there was no woman in the middle of the desert. Finally he decided to have sex with his camel.

But as soon as he tried to ride on the camel then the animal ran away from him. After an hour of struggling finally he was able to catch the camel on a road. Surprisingly there were four sexy girls standing on that dessert road with a damaged private car. The man asked to the girls,

Man, ‘Can I help you?’

Girls, “Yes, our car is not working, please help us and we will give you anything you want if you can fix the car.”

Man, “Anything???”   

Girls, “Yes, anything and tell us what do you want?”

Man, “Can you hold the camel for ten minutes!!!!!!!!”

Jokes-Naughty Taxi Driver

A woman called a taxi cab to reach to the airport.

Woman, “I need to go to the airport, please”

Driver, “Ok, get in”

Woman, “Please hurry, I need to catch my plane within one hour”

After some times the driver says to the woman:

Driver, “You are the 5^th pregnant lady passenger in my cab today.

Woman, “What!!! You are wrong, I am not pregnant lady.

Driver, “We haven’t reached to the airport yet Mam’m!!!!!!

Jokes-Definition of Pussy and Bitch

A boy heard some people are talking about pussy and bitch. The boy doesn’t understand the meaning of these words and asked her mother the meaning of pussy and bitch.
Boy, “Mom, what’s the meaning of pussy and bitch?”
Mother then open the book and indicating the picture of a cat and says “it is called pussy.”
Boy, “And what is bitch?”
Mother then indicating the picture of a dog and says “it is called bitch.”
The boy then goes to his Dad and says
Boy, “Dad, I want to know the meaning of pussy and bitch.
The father then draws a picture of women and circles around the pussy and says “this is called pussy”
Boy, “Then what is bitch?”
Then father replies, “All the thing outside the circle is bitch!!!!!!!!”

Jokes- Naughty Mom and Teacher

A boy bring the report card from the teacher to home for the sign from the parent and at that time his father was missing and he gave it to his mom. Teacher made some quoted line at the end of the report card like:

“He is a very good boy and has good talent. But the problem is he is very addictive to his girlfriends and can do much better result if he leaves this bad habit. I am trying to find the formula to get rid of this bad habit.”

Mother replied like this, “Many thanks and I am very grateful to you. Please tell me formula if you could ever find it because his father has got the same bad habit too.”

Marriage and Quick Pregnancy

A girl becomes pregnant within the first four months of marriage. The husband then goes to a doctor to identify the cause of the early pregnancy.

Man, “I can’t believe, how could it possible?”

Doctor, “Well…this is surprising. Don’t worry it can happen in case of first birth but I can ensure you that it won’t happen again!!!!!!! ”

Friend- Cheating on his Wife

Two friends discussing about their sex life:

1^st Friend, “So, how does your sex life going on?”

2^nd Fried, “Yes, not that bad.”

1^st Friend, “I want to ask you a strange little question, have you ever talked to your wife just after finishing sex?”

2^nd Friend, “Well, only when I have a phone near my hand!!!!!!!!”

Two Naughty Friends

Conversation between two naughty friends Mike and Jake:

Mike, “Answer me the question Jake,
What could be much worse then having sex with a pregnant woman?”

Jake, “Well, getting blowjob by the kid inside.”

Tarzan Just Looking for the Bees

After meeting with Tarzan in the jungle Kate asked him about sex life .

Kate, “So, how do you do sex Tarzan?”

But he couldn’t understand what she was talking about. After explaining to him what is sex then,

Tarzan, “Oh! I do sex in the tree hole.”

Kate, “ My goodness, you are doing it all wrong.”

Tarzan, “Ok show me how to do it.”

Then Kate removed her cloth and lied down on the ground. She spread her legs and

pointing to the hole told Tarzan:

Kate, “This is the original hole for sex, do it now.”

But suddenly Tarzan through a mighty kick on the hole and it hearts her a lot. After the

recovery Kate was yelling,

Kate, “ What the f**u you doing?????”

Tarzan, “I just checked for the bees!!!!!”

I am Feeling Too Hot

Conversation between two close office colleagues:

1st colleague: I can’t take it any more. I am feeling too hot.

2nd colleague: I can see this and what you gone do?

1st colleague: After going home I am going to take off my wife panty immediately.

2nd colleague: wow, this is too hot.

1st colleague: I really mean it,

2nd colleague: Really?????

1st colleague: Yes, because I am wearing my wife’s panty!!!!!!!

Can You See in the Dark

A boy to his Mom:

Boy, “Mom, is it possible to see anything in the dark?”

Mom, “Absolutely not, this is impossible.”

Boy, “But Mom, I think my sister can see in the dark.”

Mom, “How come????”

Boy, “I don’t know but last night I heard she was asking her boyfriend whether he shaved or not.”

Mom, “What???????”

Husband and Wife Jokes

A typical husband loved his wife so much and wanted to give her each possible happiness in the world. One day he asked her wife:

Husband, “Do you love me as much as I do?”

Wife, “Yes darling, I love you so much too.”

Husband, “But surprisingly you never tell me how much you enjoy sex.”

Wife, “Well this is difficult for me to explain to you.”

Husband, “Why???”

Wife, “Because you are at your office while I am enjoying it!!!”

Jokes-Musician and The Girl

One day a musician was passing by a jungle and he found a girl was crying. He asked the girl the cause of her crying.

Girl, “I am so ugly, no one likes me.”  

Musician, “I can fulfill your 3 wishes, tell me your wishes.”

Girl, “I want to be the most beautiful girl in the world and I need lots of money and wealth.”

Musician then immediately made her most beautiful and rich girl in the world. After then he asked the girl about her final wish. The girl cleverly wanted to marry the musician. Without any question the musician fulfilled the third wishes too. After the marriage

Girl, “Lets go to bed darling, I want sex.”

Musician, “Sorry, I can’t do it.”

Girls, “Why???????”

Musician, “This is your fourth wish and I can fulfill only your 1 wish in every year!!!”

The girl fainted immediately.

A Real Misunderstanding

A middle age man went to a doctor with sexual problem. The doctor told the man to bring the sperm next day and gave him a jar. Next day he came with an empty jar. The doctor surprised and asked why the jar is empty.

The man said “Sorry, I tried a lot with my hand but I couldn’t do it”

Doctor, “Why didn’t you take help from your wife?”

The man replied “I tried with not only my wife but also the wife of my neighbor!”

“What!!!” Doctor Surprised.

The man replied, “Yes doctor, the cap of the jar is too tight to open!!!!!!!!!!!”